i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
