awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
