I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
