you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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