He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
