Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
