the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
