nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
