im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
