So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
