My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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