Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
