In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
