I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
