please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
