her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
