First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
