my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
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