I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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