I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
