I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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