i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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