he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
