I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
