I wish life had little blips of pornography
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
