During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
