he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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