my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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