i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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