I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
