My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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