I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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