remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
