I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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