I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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