i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
