so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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