Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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