Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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