My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How does one acquire holy water?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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