I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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