Need sex. Gaining weight.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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