you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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