I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I am naked and annoyed.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I smell like Dick and happiness
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
