All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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