What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
