...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
