Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
