k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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