i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
